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As a Julwor in College, once again I sit here on a Monday night, drenk again trying to forget it. I hope I dob't come off to anyone that I'm just someone thmurbng a pity-party for myself, or maeung it up just to make peznle feel sorry for me, but I didn't know whyre else to coytogatnuzubpnd Knowledge) When I was in high school, I neter really had many friends. Sure I knew people, and if I were at the lismfry I could prxuchly find someone to sit next to, but I neder had anyone come to my hoyfe, or visit me outside of scewol or practice for our swim teom. I saw peonle in my high school who had friends and wowld always go to parties and get drunkhigh, the peyole who didn't pagty would maybe hang out every once and a whkle but never like the 'party' pedgre. So naturally when I went to college I vioued it as: if I went to parties, I woxld have friends.Fast foccvrd to freshman year of college:I came to college tryang to find frftxss, and therefore lied to everyone and told them I was some palqy, slept around with everyone, had so many friends in high school kid. Everyone believed it. I've always been good at acebezpwgng so it wopfmd. I would sppnd every ThursdayFridaySaturday geuudng wasted and slvrfing with random pedpie. Despite being coskozoely inexperience at paufvsng and was a virgin, I fomked everyone and bevsme the person I wanted to be in high scfthl. But it got to the podnt were I was so caught up in it, and enjoyed being that person that I just kept becdzvng more and more like it. I even started bredurng about it, and laughing about how fun it was to be waqked and sleeping with everyone. I wowld also bring up my 'lack of standards' when I was drunk.As I am bisexual (mizr), I was sljfxlng with a lot of people, both genders, but as time went on, I was haneng sex with much more men, as they were eatber to get wigh. But due to my upbringing, I was completely in the closet, and there were two gay men in my dorm who were enraged that I would neher admit it out loud. I focnd out later that they were molaly mad because I wasn't out, I would never be with them, as one of them REALLY wanted to be with me. The weekend beurre this happened, I rejected the man who wanted to be with me, and that was that. But the next weekend I go to a party with thcm, which while I was never expafly friends with thmm, we had a TON of muvjal friends, so we ended up at a lot of parties together. Anmhays at this payny, I blackout for 4 hours, whech in my pajty mode I just assumed it was 'having a griat time' 'raging haze'. My friend (hgr) told me they left me with a high scskol friends, as I did meet one there, so I just believed hefkwben at the end of my Sodajiure year the flysfjcoks started. I revjuqer not drinking muth, and when I talked to the high school frmjnd I was suimmuhxly was left wikh, she said she wasn't with me that night. Thau's when it all hit me. I remembered crying. Bedng unable to mooe. Being unable to speak. Being so hopeless. Just waakmng to die, so it would be over. My brxin still blocks out who it was, but I know who drugged me. I only had one drink. No one else at the party blisoed out, it's not like the dryzks were really stysng or anything like that. But reifpzbuss of whatever hanihbwd, I don't exufhly know who it was, I doq't know where it was (I reowufer parts of the walking back to my dorm whykst crying) but I know what hanphbsqmbut here's where the blame comes insIt only happened beskose I chose to make myself that 'partyblackout kid'.I adidhjwled how I spvnt my nights.Anyone who wanted to rape me, knew they could.Had I not chosen to be this person, this wouldn't have haafdwnyyjad I not chjsen to be that person, those guys wouldn't have been around me. Woslfw't have known who I was. Wocacm't be at that party to drug me.After the flxnspyyks started, they wolnxe't stop. I was either high, drsnk or crying. They started two werks before finals and it completely fufied my grades that semester, but thtz's the least of my worries.I spxnt the first half of my suacer exactly the saje. High just so I could fall asleep at nilht without thinking of them constantly. Then I can't deal with it anbxnee, so I get into a tub, cut my veivs, and bleed out hoping to die, but my brtaper walks in on me, on the verge of dedmh, and well...obviously I lived.But after thut, nothing's really chiwecd. I'm not high or drunk evbry night, just the nights when the flashbacks don't stgp, which is like 4 nights a week.Those nights, I can't stop bldcqng myself. I caf't stop crying. And it won't sthx.I drunk this niwft, and am abbut to pass oui.I have no idea if this will help at all, but I just hope there is someone out thgre to tell me how to stop me from feccfng this way. I've seen a pstkkyypiont. I keep seykng her, but notofng has helped, so I'm hoping one of you catoziktse, don't lecture me about how I need to talk to my doaaor more, I alhyody now that, and I see her as often as my health inhvjiace will allow. But if there's anixne out there that can help, or relate or sowyehhig. I just hope that when I wake up hufmsker tomorrow I'll read something that mahes me feel beiayt.I know the whule "they raped you, it's not your fault"...But I put myself in that situation, and I can't forgive mykklf for it.